Finally Confronting My Arrogance

2023 was a whirlwind for my career, as I’m sure it was for many people globally.

And right there! Just as I wrote that sentence, I almost went off on a tangent about what has happened, what work I do, why companies should appreciate my skills, etc.

And that’s EXACTLY why I wrote the blog title above.

I’m beginning to disgust myself (a lot)

No, it’s not imposter syndrome this time. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. This feeling comes almost after every social event that involved me talking about what I do at work.

The root of my disgust: My subconscious arrogance   

Other people talk about their skill/job, and suddenly I have to talk about mine – but in excruciating detail and with insane self-importance. In my own ignorance, I would discount what I say as just "sharing my professional experiences" or "being open about my work life" or just "being confident".

Only, it wasn’t. I just wanted the chance to brag.

My professional ego made me elitist without even realising

As much as I hate to say it, while the “kiasu” (meaning “scared to lose”) culture in my homeland helped me in school, it’s getting incredibly toxic in how I handle adult conversations as I grow older.

Ultimately, this self-confession came from conversing outside many bubbles, namely – my local and/or company bubbles.

Of course, not to categorise all citizens as a monolith – but it took genuine and honest foreign perspective to help reveal how prideful I subconsciously became when talking about my career.

Interestingly, the non-locals I realised this from tended to be friends/family, never really current or past colleagues - which is not to say that I haven't had incredible work peers - but I now understand that as long as there's a "work link", my subconcious was still a slave to an instinctive arrogance.

But is this sense of competition the only reason for my arrogance?

It’s definitely one factor but after reflecting more, I think the root cause is me equating a lot of my self-worth with my career subconsciously.

From “what do you do” or “what did you study” being one of the first conversations to come out in many functions I’ve been to this year – I realized that I’ve been feeding into a type of shallow elitism that I’ve so publicly and actively denounced back in my schooling days. Heck, I even instinctively asked these questions at an alumni event and now looking back, why?!

Basically, most of the time, I wanna know what you do in your line of work so I can (eventually) talk about what I do and I'll relish in my accomplishments all over again.

Trust me, I’ve tried to play this off to myself as “innocent curiosity” or “trying to find common ground in small talk” but I’m going to be brutally honest with myself here – do I really truly care about every career known to Man?

No, I don’t.

Of course, I care about someone’s well-being. And if their job isn’t a typical corporate “norm” I've been used to – then maybe I would be more attentive. But unless it’s about something I’m interested in (which is really niche stuff mostly), I never cared about any nitty gritty details.

Yet, I pretend to do so I get the opportunity to chime in my own personal “relevance” from my work – and it sickens me like hell.

Gosh, I’m already getting cringe goosebumps as I’m writing this.

What do I do? How do I stop my arrogance?

Being humble isn’t an on and off-switch right? And beyond my career – how do I draw the line between being confident in sharing my life events and exhibiting passive arrogance?

Honestly, I don’t have any proper answers right now. But I think I have a couple of steps that could get myself there.

And the only reason I’m being as public about it as I am is so that I can set my accountability transparency to an all-time high in addition to a couple of weekly “self-check” alarms.

1. Unless I’m talking to a recruiter, I’ll REFRAIN FROM talking about what I do, what I studied, or any work positions

I’ve been extremely lucky to say that the bulk of conversations in any peaceful bubble barely involves work, education, or skill talk (except the occasional office gossips).

I found this so freeing – where for that moment, I’m myself, not my occupation. No comparisons, subconscious or not. No judgement, subconscious or not.

And most importantly, no subconscious justification of my self-worth.

I’m not my job. I’m not my credentials. I’m not my salary.

I’m just Hannah.

2. Make my career developments more personal

But as much I want to stop being passively arrogant, I still want the freedom to be happy when I accomplish something.

I don’t think that's impossible to do – but maybe I just gotta do it at my own time more often than now.

So what this means is – any promotions, appraisals, new positions, etc – it’s all just for my brain when it first happens until it’s time to update the LinkedIn profile or if someone specifically asks. Even then, keep it chill and brief.

And even after that LinkedIn profile update, let it marinate there. Again, any other detail – save it for a recruiter or if someone genuinely probes me for more info.

3. Sometimes, it’s not what I say – it’s HOW I say it

Real ironic for me to say this after unceremoniously bashing myself in this whole blog. But I do think I have ways to go when it comes to my EQ.

Adapting how I speak should be my first start. As much as I want to maintain consistency in how I communicate, I never really know what anybody else is truly going through in their work or life.

So from now, I gotta listen more but not passively insist on having a dedicated response to every single thing.

If someone talks about a career accomplishment, sit back and let them have that proper spotlight without “relating” it to any of my experiences or chiming in later on about self-important stuff.

Gosh for that part, I’m definitely a work-in-progress.

Too long have I relied on being a solutions or anecdote-giver even when none were actually being asked for. And learning how to stop this will bruise my pride and ego for sure - but hey, self-driven damage to the ego could actually be the first step to true humility I hope!

Why am I revealing my arrogant thoughts so publicly?

I think, for practical reasons, putting the best version of one’s self is the way to go when it comes to posting online. Our best outfits, our best photos, smiles, highlights, humour, etc.

So as I ponder about why I should upload this so openly, I question if this post could self-sabotage my future – both personally and professionally. 

But you know what? I’ll dive into the unknown with this one.

I’ve gone through most of my life being very much by-the-book, but after all the health scares that could last me a lifetime – I say screw it.

True risks are meant to be unplanned, and trying to be a better person is a life’s goal that I’ll never shy away from.

Really heavy topic after a year of inactive blog activity but dang, why do year-end reflections have to be so dramatic!